The unsent letter

I apologise for the way i told you about what had happened. I didn't respect you or show any respect for the relationship by informing you in such a heartless way. I didn't do it maliciously i did it because at that time during that moment i felt that was the way i needed to express it as in person i dont think i could have explained it without breaking down in tears. My actions were selfish and i did not think of us or the relationship or how it would affect what we had i just had to be honest at that moment in time i felt ready to explain what i had done.. I think back to fond memories of us and all the things i stopped thinking about when we were together. In hindsight i think i was in a bad place in my life during the hard times and i stopped thinking. I should have taken a step back and analysed what it was i felt was lacking but i know now and it was what we were. i needed more and you werent in a position to give me what i wanted. the sense of rush was imminent with what i wanted for us and i should never have let it get to a stage where i self destructed the relationship i should have said how i felt and i apologise for not speaking up sooner. there is too many things that i am sorry for and i hate that more than anything. I just wanted to love and to be loved back. i think i got it wrong because i loved you and you loved me...why did i do something so hurtful and cruel? you didn't deserve what i put you through and i can only hope one day you forgive me for what i have done. i no longer speak to the person anymore in fact he wanted more from me and i pushed him away because i had to.. he was not the guy i wanted at all and its  so frustrating to know that someone so minuscule in my life could turn my life into something else...this current feeling i have is loneliness..loneliness just haunts me everywhere i go and it is always with me which makes me laugh really because that is not what loneliness means! you can't be lonely if you have loneliness with you at all times but i am. i miss everything. i miss the nights we spent together and the days we spent just being together i'll never have those moments again but the memories will be with me for a long time. i never thought i'd ever love again and then i did and now i have to stop and i feel so unsure of how to handle this. i like being in control and i like being the one to make decisions and do things now i have no control and cannot think straight to make decisions anymore. what i do on a day to day basis is just making me feel so much more alone than i ever thought possible. i don't feel heartbroken or hurt or angry or any emotion really just feel like i've lost a huge part of my life that can never come back in the way it once was. i used to think you never cared and i feel bad knowing ive turned your life into something you didn't expect it to be like. because now you are alone too except you chose to be and i appreciate that decision was a difficult one to make and it is hard it is probably harder than staying together but if your choice was the right one i cannot do or say anything to change that. i love you still and i will for a while longer and the day i can wake up or go to sleep without loneliness empowering me i'll wake up and feel happier and sleep happier. i now have to say goodnight i love you to myself instead of you, one day i'll meet someone who will be so happy with me and i cannot say i want that now but i know in time i'll get it and when i do i'll never do anything to let that person down or hurt them. communication is key and i guess this letter will never be sent to the person it needs to be read by but my feelings are out there for people ive never met to see...and i hope one day i'll never need to write this type of letter again. 

love louise.

January 2nd 2015

Things are beginning to get worse before they are getting any better.. I have heard that from a lot of people but now i'm going through the worst stage I don't think it is possible for it to get any worse not with what I know anyway about him and her now.

Feeling: nothing
Thinking: when am i going to have the energy to do anything again
Wanting: happiness
Needing: sleep
Listening to: eminem - spend some time

number of days of no contact - 2. last time i spoke to him was 31st

another 58 days to go.

Plan to do:
Get gym pass
go to classes
tues 2pm apt
tidy up room
get rid of debt and save up for own house by january 2016
emirates game
spa weekend in january
night away somewhere nice
keep studying
finish reading the chimp paradox
get bridget jones diary 3 and read it
decorate room