My situation now is becoming more and more painful as the days go by. Initially I was fine with it and wasn't that bothered, wasn't that upset. I didn't cry or reminisce and being asked about him never upset me really. I just focused on the bad times that I had with him and how I never felt loved anyway it didn't hurt as much. What hurts more recently after 11 days is probably how my entire life has changed around me and it's horrible. Going food shopping reminds me of him, songs on the radio remind me of him, seeing couples all loved up remind me of him! and holidays...the holidays we spent together were part of my favourite memories because i didn't have to share him with anyone else on those weeks or weekends away. I always felt i had to compete with everything else for his time or affection and i don't feel like that is a good thing...that on holiday is the only time that i feel i mean something to him. I know now he isn't speaking to me and he wants space. I gave it him for a few days (4 max at a time) then got drunk and texted him and rang him and now i feel so stupid because i was doing so well upto that first night out and i thought i was fine. wasnt because i wanted him but more because my friend left me and i wanted to hear from someone i knew...he wasnt the only one i rang though so can't be that special. I know he probably has a lot of anger towards me and hurt and speaking to that person is the last thing on his mind right now. Sober me completely understands and respects that but drunk me has absolutely no logic whatsoever.
I've been living in a bit of a bubble lately, haven't actually done anything worthwhile or selfless but i'm looking after me i am my number one now...he no longer is. I know what i want to do and it is basically keep going to the gym, lose weight, start taking part in charity events and becoming a better individual - a person who is worthy of being loved.
My heart was broken again and I cannot be angry at him because it was my fault. I just wish i meant more to him than i did. The only question i have is - did he really love me? I never felt like he did.And that is wrong...isn't it?
I'm trying to prove a point to all my friends that i'm ok and i am...i genuinely feel 'ok' more times in the day than i feel 'not ok'. I just hate being asked how i am or if i'm ok about it or if i have heard from him lately...those questions do not help me whatsoever...
christmas and new year is hard...but i've survived worse.
My latest issue in life is quite a difficult one to get my head around.
An ex boyfriend recently got in touch after about 7 years (my first love etc) never really forget that person...he walked into my life so easily and without a bad word to say about the past 7 years where he never spoke to me...we ended up painting his house together and got drunk and i passed up the chance to go in town with all my friends to do this...i felt compelled to spend time with him. I had such a good night, he made me feel so positive about it and it made me think exes can be friends...but that didn't last long. how we got onto the conversation of exes being friends and he said that it is impossible for a guy to be friends with a girl without an ulterior motion let alone an ex couple being 'just friends'. i didn't agree though, ive got a lot of friends who are exes and i still speak to them now. i don't feel anything for them or a weird hold over them i'm happy when they get in new relationships and am sad when it didn't work out for them... but with my ex...it throws all my opinions out the window on this matter and it all started with just one sentence... 'i had cancer 6 months ago but i'm clear now'. .... heart stopped. wanted to cry. felt like i'd lose the first love of my life all in a second. it was surreal. I would never get back with him don't get me wrong or confused with my feelings for him never going to be me wanting to get with him because i don't...opposites attract...but we are too different people...My feelings for my current ex boyfriend are taken away by the issues i am now facing regarding the bombshell my first love dropped on me. no contact, not a single word for 7 years and then out of nowhere he gets in touch and tells me that. but i was glad that he is ok again. spent saturday night getting drunk and painting houses and reminiscing of old failed relationships and what we have been doing for 7 years..not having any awkward moments and only talking fondly of our relationship not slating each other or blaming one another for it not working out (we didnt end badly we just didnt speak afterwards). After that night i went home happy..content...i missed him.
Then on Monday i get a text saying his cancer had come back and he needs chemotherapy. I was shopping at the time and i stood still in the middle of a busy pavement with everyone rushing around for christmas and my heart sank. I couldn't believe it, his last word was 'oh well these things happen, new experience!'. His positive mindset amazed me because i was literally stunned. stood in the rain staring at my phone thinking all these bad thoughts like what if he dies, can i be with him for the chemo sessions, why am i worried about me when i should be focusing on him. so i told him that i'd be there for him if he needs me even if its just to meet him to talk about the options etc. he had already decided on it and i just started telling my friend about fault in our stars,,,and how i was now in this weird predicament except in my situation i knew about his cancer. I have never known anyone so young to have it and i have never expected it to be him...the first boy i ever loved...the boy who would turn up at my house after his gf in leeds cheated on him and he only wanted to see me and noone else...was a crazy relationship but it would be i was 17 he was 19...we were stupid in love and young and foolish and both made terrible mistakes. I don't think I ever apologised for him cheating on his girlfriend...with me. Is it a bad thing she cheated on him and that same night instead of dealing with it he ran back to me and cheated on his girlfriend with his ex girlfriend who lived 2 hours away? bit of a long way to go for a booty call wouldnt you say? anyway...that isn't important. The point is...hes invited me to hymns and christmas carols at blackburn cathedral and i turned it down, i asked him to help me with brandy shopping he couldnt make it. now i'm feeling a complete idiot. not only am i getting over my recent break up i am now trying to get over the first love of my life having cancer and wanting to spend time with me...i don't think i'd spend time with me if i had the choice!!!
I'm in pieces myself trying to glue them back together except the glue is dried up and is no longer gluey!! plus the pieces don't fit anymore anyway. too many scars and bad reminders of people i loved that have left me...can't really forgive or forget any of my ex bfs or my bad reminders...i only have me at the end of the day i can't live anyone else's life, i choose my own path and i don't know if i should be grateful for all these bad memories and dead relationships...because i know who i am and i know what i want because of them. i want someone who loves me without having to try, someone who knows when i say i'm ok i don't mean that at all and when i do say 'i'm ok' and mean i am actually ok they know the difference, i want someone to prove to me in small things daily that i make them as happy as they make me, that the times we spend together can be fun and interesting and challenging everyday, that they inspire me to be a better person. I want the engagement ring and the children and the marriage and the dogs and a house full of mess and tiny people running around chasing the dog. i wanted those things with my recent ex boyfriend and i never really knew if i wanted those things. since he left me i have become quite a stronger, more mature person and a version of me that i didn't know could exist - i can relate to him and i care enough about him to let him go...i'm not selfish or thinking that getting him back will benefit me because i'm sad and he can change it...not thinking like that at all... my actions were inexcusable and i've learnt from my mistakes and will vow to never repeat them. i can't say it was because i was selfish and not thinking of him...i was...and what i was thinking is that i never mattered anymore, felt so unloved felt like being with another guy wouldnt make a difference to him because i didnt feel i meant anything...and i am using that feeling to get over the break up. He never loved me in my mind...i think he is too broken to love another person and i thought i was aswell but i'm not. I don't think he has broken me...he made me feel shitty for a long time and now he has left me he has set me free...free from all that pain and heartache and effort and the memories we stopped making....tomorrow is christmas day 2014 a year ago i woke up on that day with a lot of roses...i nearly cried. this year i will wake up alone...with no roses...and spend all day without him...and i'll be ok with that. im aiming at getting christmas and NY out the way and then making that step to go to vodafone and get a new phone...get an upgrade to something special, get a tattoo i keep umming and ahhing about and lose weight off my legs, pay off my credit card and save up to get my own place. i don't think anything in life can be unachievable if you know how to go around it. andrew left me because he couldn't see a future...what he meant was he couldn't be bothered making a future happen because he didn't want me in it.
i'm alone and unloved but i'm ok with this.
#slipknot snuff
#cassadee pope wasting all these tears
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